So it’s been a while since I’ve sat down and focused on writing an update. Life has been more than hectic since June and other things just always took priority. I had honestly hoped that by now I’d be making a baby announcement, but that’s not yet the case. While it’s hard to still be struggling I know we’re on a good path.
The last entry was just after my surgery was cancelled. I felt pretty low at that point. I had psyched myself up so much to finally be moving forward and then suddenly, once again, things weren’t going as planned. I like things to be consistent, but if the military life and baby making have taught me anything it’s that life has a way of throwing you for a loop.
Surgery finally went ahead on June 13th and it was a breeze. My recovery was so smooth and I felt fine from the second I was rolled in to recovery. I’m definitely very thankful that it was easy as it was, because I am a big baby when it comes to uterus pain. I’m sure pregnancy and labour will give me quite the run for my money. The couple weeks after surgery were really frustrating tho, there were a few miscommunications between our fertility clinic and myself and I felt really let down because we missed out on doing our first medicated cycle because my phone calls didn’t get returned or passed on to our doctor. The thing about fertility treatment is that it’s all very time sensitive. It’s not just a matter of “well you can just start tomorrow instead”. If you miss a day, you miss a whole month. a whole month of trying because of one measly day. However, rather than dwell on it and freak out I just let it slide. The next few weeks after that are sort of a blur, Aaron and I didn’t even really try, because you see, my grandmother passed away and all the BS of being forgotten by the clinic was overshadowed by a greater loss. She, aside from Aaron and I, was the person looking most forward to us having babies. Both our families are really excited about us moving forward with treatment in the hopes of making a baby Bell, but my nanny wanted it more than anyone. I mean as it is, she once asked me to just forget getting married and make babies instead. It’s been really hard these last 6 weeks thinking about bringing a baby in to this world without her. Losing my mom was hard enough, but to then lose nan too, within the span of 3 years, well, it’s been a lot.
But you see, as with anything else in life, I didn’t let it break me. I knew nan would want me to continue moving forward so that’s what we’ve done. And almost like she was pulling strings from up above, the Monday morning after she passed away my phone rang. It was our doctor finally getting back to me. He wanted to start us moving forward with medicated cycles. So on August 9th I started my first Femara cycle at 2.5mg… I was excited and hopeful and cautiously optimistic. Unfortunately the hope was short lived. Over the last 2.5 years I’ve really gotten to learn my body and my cycles and I could tell that the meds weren’t working. I started researching and found that most women with PCOS don’t respond to 2.5mg, but I didn’t fault my doctor doctor starting us low, he was just being thorough to see if I was part of the minority it did work for. Aaron and I still “tried” like it was doing what it was supposed to do, but we didn’t stress or force it, if the mood wasn’t there then it wasn’t there and we moved on to the next day. He and I really talked things out a lot before starting the medicated cycles. We both agreed we’d be better about it all, not stressing, not forcing , just get back to having fun, like when we first started trying way back in 2014. Now that’s not to say we didn’t “do the deed” on nights we didn’t really want to, it’s a bit of a necessity, but we listened to each other and didn’t just brush off feelings.
See, one of the things about infertility is that no matter how much you “just relax” or “just have fun” that won’t fix an issue. The having fun is more for our sanity rather than our reproductive health.You cannot cure a fertility issues with fun and relaxation, the same as you can’t cure diabetes with hugs and kisses.
So, I had blood work done to monitor the medicated cycle, that way our doctor would know what was going on. My poor arms, let me tell you, they took a beating. Jokingly Aaron said to me “well it’s comforting seeing blood draws leave you in pain, now I know you won’t become a heroin junky”….. Ya, that’s my husband….. Blood work was done on day 14 to get a baseline reading and then again on day 21. Meanwhile I was doing my own tracking with ovulation tests and never once saw a positive. I would get “close” and then stay “close”, but the meds just didn’t push it over the edge. I opted to do blood work again on day 28, in case I was just a “late bloomer” and I stopped testing at home because I was making myself insane just seeing that test line never change, not to mention that the cost of the tests that work best for me are $40 for a pack of 9….. :-/…. Ya, making babies is expensive when it’s not easy. Anyways, that all gets us up to today. Our doctor is getting ready to go off for a bit on Paternity leave, but he made sure we were all squared away before he left. His nurse also gave me the game plan, and confirmed what I knew, I did not ovulate on the 2.5mg. So as of today, September 7th, we are getting ready to work towards another medicated cycle with a higher dose. And if this dosage doesn’t work our doctor has a couple more tricks up his sleeve.
I am NO WHERE near ready to give up. I am hopeful to move forward with a higher dosage with a positive heart and mind. While I will have down days, like any normal person, I will not let those days define the rest of my days. We will be parents when the time is meant to be.