I haven’t been as diligent with this as I would have liked but then again, I have always been a procrastinator. I was “that student” who was writing a paper the day before it was due, but then I would get an A or a B, so I had no deterrents to make me want to do things ahead of schedule, because if the marks were good then why change the habit? Anyways, back on track!
Well, this last month things have not gone as planned. A lot of days I feel as tho Aaron and I take one step forward followed by two very large steps back. Being a military spouse I have kind of learned to not plan things or get your hopes up because you usually end up having to cancel/reschedule and then you wind up disappointed. Well, in May I broke my own rule. I got excited about something! On May 8th I turned 30, and honestly, it wasn’t as bad as I expected. I was so focused for a very long time on how my life should be by a certain stage that I didn’t see just how great it was. On the 9th, Monday afternoon, I was scheduled for surgery to have the polyp removed as well as a D&C, so that, as my doctor put it, my uterus would be in “pristine condition” (I don’t think I can mention enough how much I truly like this guy). So on the Saturday we had a big family BBQ to celebrate my dirty thirty and just a nice evening before I went in on Monday. It was a wonderful night with Aaron’s folks, his brother and his wife and our nephew, who is pretty much the highlight of any get together, and I think we we’re all really excited that in a day and a half Aaron and I would have one more hurdle behind us on this crazy baby making journey.
So Monday morning we got up early, we had to anyways because our roof was being re-shingled, and there was no sleeping with that pounding right above your head. Aaron was happily sipping coffee, meanwhile, I was upstairs, taking my suppository to soften my cervix and secretly taking tiny sips from the shower since I wasn’t allowed to eat after midnight or drink after 8am, and because I wasn’t allowed anything obviously I wanted it. I had to be to the IWK for 12pm so in true Aaron fashion we were there shortly after 11:30. I checked in in the lobby and we were taken up to the waiting room on the 3rd floor. We only waited about 15 minutes in there before they took us back to the actual pre-op waiting area. I was excited! It was finally surgery day! Well, I guess I was as excited as I could be about having my uterus violated…. But I obviously wasn’t nervous because my BP was PERFECT! Like eerily perfect! If you remember from my pre-op appointment I was insanely high, but on surgery day I was apparently as cool as a cucumber! No complaints here! By 12:45 we were sitting and waiting, watching M.A.S.H in the waiting room. Surgery was scheduled for 2pm, so we knew we’d be waiting a bit and we even figured we’d be waiting past 2, but miraculously at 1:59pm our doctor called my name! This was it! I was finally going to take the next step we needed to take to make our baby! The suppository was doing it’s job, I was cramping, meaning things were ready for them to go in and do what needed to be done! But, as quick as my excitement came when he called my name, it was gone.
“They aren’t going to let me do your surgery today, there was an emergency case that came in and the OR is already running behind, so because you’re the last on my schedule today we have to send you home”. Send us home? But after all the trouble it took to get us to this point they couldn’t just send us home! Dr. Ripley felt awful and you could tell it was genuine. He sat and chatted with Aaron and I for a bit and said that even he feels like this whole process is taking too long and how he wants so badly to help us get pregnant. I couldn’t fault the guy, the emergency wasn’t his fault, and the booking dept not allowing him to do my surgery that day was completely out of his hands. I think he even hummed and hawed about just giving us the drugs to help with ovulation, but then he dropped that “pristine uterus” line again and said there’s no point in making us take meds that may be wasted if I can’t currently support a pregnancy, and without Aaron’s test results in hand as well, he’d rather we wait it out. So, home we went.
By the time we got home I had already had my cry and was going to drown my sorrows in some subway and soft cookies, but I was in pain. Not the emotional kind, but the physical kind. The medication to soften my cervix in preparation for surgery is also the same pill they give women to induce the body when there has been a missed miscarriage. That same medication that I had mentioned to the doctor before we left was making me have some bleeding and in his words “you may feel some slight cramps”. Ya, that medication was giving me my first taste of CONTRACTIONS! It was kind of like adding insult to injury… It wasn’t bad enough being sent home but here, have some excruciating pain that you weren’t expecting, and oh ya, it’s also the same pain a woman has during labour, but you don’t get a baby right now, sorry. Again, I don’t blame our doctor, when I took those pills that morning I was expecting to be dopped up and not feel a thing, and he was expecting the same. He didn’t expect me to go home without any pain management from it, it all just happened. I spent the next hour in the fetal position on the couch, drugged up on midol with a hot water bottle pressed so tightly to my stomach that I had white knuckles and ending us giving myself a nasty blister and heat rash on my poor belly. Once that first hour passed I felt “ok”, nothing worse than a period and within 2 days the bleeding and cramping were done, but I was still just sad…
By the following week we had a new appointment scheduled and were reassured 3 or 4 times that this time it WOULD happen, but I am still hesitant to get excited because, well, I learned my lesson last time. So, providing things go as planned, this coming Monday, June 13th, at 9:30 am, Dr. Ripley will be giving me that “Pristine Uterus” he promised me! I’m not a huge prayer but I am definitely sending out lots of good vibes that something doesn’t go wrong. As my mom used to say “so long as nothing blows up or burns down, I will be there”, so here’s hoping neither of those things happen to keep us from moving past this little stumble in our road to parenthood!
Our time will come, as will the time come for those of you who are going through this struggle with me. Keeping faith it will happen can definitely be very hard to do, day to day when you’re surrounded by disappointment, but only you can be the one to let a bump in the road stop you! This is far too important of a journey to just throw in the towel over a hiccup! So keep fighting even when no one would fault you for giving up! You can do this! Even on the days you don’t believe in yourself, I believe you can do it!